i see you
at the end of the bar, this bar
not your bar, and
its not you
but, it is
younger, just like
you used to be
more beautiful, just
like you
when you
were less used

drinking
in a mad panic
just like you, flirting
like a clumsy fool
just like you

destroying

10 minutes away
from the eager, easy
copulation
of the bar slag.

this version of you
this mirror
will never suck
my tongue, my cock (pity)
never feel
my lips upon her ass
her hole, never
be drowned, be drunk
with my cum
spilling out of her
as she holds the hand
and shares the life
of another.

it wont be me.

and i thank God…

one round
of one version of you
is more
than i can stand.

…doesnt mean
i wont try…

ive been playing games
with my cock, my pen
making promises, negotiations.
I want to put
a beautiful face upon
the expanse of my lies.

It wouldnt matter
if our Lord
Jesus Christ
was blowing my whistle.

I love only you.

Lost, in the garbage
I began to believe
that there would still be air
as i erupted, i found
nothing. Smog, hate, indesicion
and the incouragable lack
of you.

I can dance, and fake
yes
but, they always know
(and, my liars semen never
acts as a soothing glue).

I never wanted it
this way
never wanted
the air to spoil across my lips
with every heave away from you.

you are my only…

I will play monster
to keep the ink wet

but, theres a man
on another coast who knows
there is no other.

he keeps me remembering
that its the drink, the drugs
the cunt and the lonliness that allow
me to make
the fake
that keep me hoping…..

I could, once again
be the fool
weaving your fingers
as death threatens
like the tangiest temptation,

a denial
of this dullness

smoking thru
the stupidity
of any distance
I ever allowed
between your miracle
and my disaster.

your heart beats
and i
I await the mimic
of the rhytme i lost
when i let you slip…

as i drove off
stunned as much
from sleeplessness
as i was from
the fast drinks i
realised that i was
totally in love
again.
there was danger, yes
and the stunning intoxication
of a bared truth
but it had more to do
with the merit, the reciprocity
of confirmed affection.
i, once again
had a beautiful partner
to hold my hand thru
the ugliness.
i swerved, and bled
and staggered
all over that concrete
and would have been ecstatic
had i been pulled over
to reek my boozy breath
over any officer
who’d have been willing
to listen.

the length of you pollutes me.
I come hard, but
theres just so much of you
i get drunk
on flesh fetish. I tickle
the width of your back, your ass
you let your legs fall open
as i run my palm
across your pussy
on up to your navel. Its just
an automatic response, i
can tell by your breathing
you are fast asleep. With my lips
on your spine, you stir
turning over to face me.
sore faced, reeking like
a nites old wine you
tuck both hands
under your cheek
and curl your lengthy torso.
for a moment
there, in the dark 
you look like those
drawings in a childs
prayer book
of a sleeping angel.
no trace is left upon you
of the woman
whom held me hostage
at the gates of Hell, of the 
succubus who drained
me to my last drop. Its hard
in that moment to remember
that you are the lover
whos fucked others like
most change underwear, or
that you saved
your own ass
by, once again
worming your way back home
back to Him.
all that cache of hate
i had tucked in tight
next to my heart
has melted away, and i know
ill gladly jump
the next time
you tie my noose.
in that quiet moment
i unleash a sigh
of deep release, assured finally
of the depth, the bredth
and the source
of my damnation.

Id rather
lick the seems
of that ancient vinyl than ever
poison my buds
against yours seems.
at least the grooves
in that funking plastic
come by their petroleum 
naturally….

you can put
50 dollar knickers across
the ass of
a 3 dollar whore.
doesnt make her a lady
or you a gentleman, but
some fuck-sick fool
left, at the end of the bar
at the wet end of the evening
will sure get a kick
outta wiping off on them
when he’s blown his load.

fools always give
until it hurts.

she said
” you can come here
its safe. You can drink
you can rage, you
can have me
any way you want
whenever you want. You can
talk about 
that shopping list
of lost loves you craddle
like a cancer
against your heart. 
Ill feed you, ill pour
tall glasses of good scotch
over ice and keep
the cupboard full
of American tobacco
and English tea.
my laptop is yours to use.
I even bought
those sloppy wet
black ink pens
you love so much.
theres canvases, theres paints
theres clean clothes
in the back of the closet
and fresh towels under the sink.
everything i have
is yours. Theres only
one thing, one favour
one name
I need never hear
inside these walls
or youll never see
inside them, or be
inside me
again.”.

suddenly
that one name
was all i could think to utter.

thats the beauty, the glory really
of having the world
by the ass

its the thrill
of throwing it all away.

and besides
her tub
left alot to be desired….

around the time
those towers came down
you crawled out
from the rubble
of that last mimic
who showed you
too much
too often. You knew, even then
what you were being shown, and
you only kept looking
because of the methods employed
in her hips, and her fingers
to keep you from the truth..

theyve erected monuments
made films, plaques
memorials.

your survival has garnered
much less attention, but
has left as deep an imprint
as any impact
in recorded time, so
how can it be
that youve gone
and forgotten
your own fucking history?

the purple curtain exists
and shall remain pulled closed
against those whom covet
strangle facination
so that you can remain.

curiousity kills.

you knew this.

it is time to accept
that you know it, still.

youve touched her perfect body with your mind

yes, ive stolen this line
and you know from where, and whom
ive stolen everything
because im a thief
and a drunk
a thug, and a fuck, but
you have no idea
the depths of my crimes. Its not just
plagarism, or decadence
its the glee
I feel
in the place of guilt. Imagine if
you wore the hair shirt
and instead of suffering
the placement
tickled you, estatic.
i love the erasure
of culpability, i
forgive myself as i weave myself
free of responsibility. Ive master
the cop, the dope, the creep
and the drone
but have never mastered
the exit. I fall to pieces
as the body
i intended to use
to carve small confessions
upon the walls
of my emptiness
reveals itself
(herself)
as a grandmaster, a user
beyond my capacity. A fool in
an illigitimate cause
Ive been bested in 
my last trick.
a body i intended
to die inside
has moved on
and ive survived.
so, i pinch lines
to add depth
to the echo
of the compound silence
of the boredom
ive chosen to cede
my suffering with..

pull the tumbler
from the rack.
2 ounces out
single malt. Splash
water opens it up
raised in fist to
the candle flicker, im
anxious, delirious as
the percipitant alcohol
slips down the glass
into the tawny pool.
I will take you, my love
to numb me to kill me
to always be faithful as
I learn to let go.
you have always been
my most exquisite mistake, my
last whore
before i blow
out the lights.

as i knelt
in that crampled little shit hole
scrubbing the blood
out of my sheets and mattress
I had the strangest inkling
that id been played.
when i heard
a few days on
of the same proceedure
across town
and whod been doing
the scrubbing over there
it all became clear:
I was the whore
Id been doing
all the yelling about.

“…we shall lay down our burden
and study war no more.”

costly moves, fatigue
outrageous snow shifts
apologies

righteous indignation
the burden of proof
the trail of lies, exposed

being in the right
admitting your wrong
drowning in kettle water
corking the bottled habit

chain-smoke the ceilings yellow
letting the distance
end the nightmare

cage the beast
exclude the monster
let the wrong one go
use the right one lightly.

nothing.

an enemy finds
new ammunition
in emmulation of
the oldest profession

intent burned in the fires
of the wrong desicions.

but,  flick off the ringer
and the peace
of your costly endeavours
comes rushing in.

you should have known
youve studied, scarred
old and supposedly wiser
this skirmish is no different
than the dozens
that you waged before

smiling in the silence
pausing to enjoy the spoils.

this war, at long last
is over.

home-front advantage
you’d bet yer brains out
if you had this hand.

in the blink
and blood rush
of sure victory
I blew the whole fucking lot.

under two hours

Id shown my cards

as i began 
scraping around for spare change
it dawned on me:

we were never playing
the game i was readied for

and she had
a hell of a hold
up her sleeve.

…thought it pretty clever
fleeing across the river
in hopes of escape, or
at least a means
to pull my captivator away
from that rotten little strip
of dive bars
and cheap facinations.
instead, punctured 
and abandoned
 her heat for me cooled
and she traded our passions
for square footage.
this cavernous space
i now occupy
is made all the more unbearable
by the absence
of her tragedy.
seems i wasnt the only one
willing to do 
a bit of relocating.

you are half-crazy
thats never been anything
I put all my stock in the mad-
they make the digits dance.
while i struggle
to slid those
apple red panties
down your alabaster flesh
over your hips
i think of the sonnet i stole
and i sing it
into your lips. Yes, my lover
Im cruel, i use
my partners to make
the ends meet in the middle
to make the ink flow, to make
me forget to believe
ive some secret humanity
Im waiting to expose to you
when youve given up
given away
all i covet to another, but
just as you guessed long ago
there is no secret.
I live for flesh
and the lines i scratch
when ive ran
the account dry….doesnt mean
I never loved you, its just
a deeper fire
with which
ive chosen
to sulk
in the absolute lust of…

28 inches
from the top
of her pubis to
the tip of her chin. A long stretch
of snow white
freckled flesh
that dries out my tongue
and flushes my face
with hunger.
she’s put her affections on ice, now
i’m left remembering
my reverent obsession
for another absent saviour.

love like Versuvius
a truckers mouth
insatiate appetites poisoning
the body of a Goddess. I pushed
until her heart ran cold.
fat with words and want
i’m backed up in the dark.
alone, again.

you wanna make it
something more
the library shelves sag
at the excess
of attempt
to entomb
the certain tin ear
of eager romantic expression
when stumbling over
the exchange
of copulation.
it cant just be
cock in cock out
pussy and asses agape
or we’d have to concede
we’re just dumb monkies making
noises ( and the cum-masks
of strange agonistique release).
write it, paint it
pull it, or pin it up
on the pine
with your dead Gods.
a fuck
is just
a fuck.
such a farce, Freddy would weep
no new values
just sentimentality
at the death
of the last good release….

 the immaculate emptiness
of your absence
aches and pains
and gets me back in print.
for all yer moisture, passion
access, and excess
you just werent worth it( try
telling that to my libido).
your worst fear, youve
joined that ol’ Soriority
and youll prove more fruitful
in yer exit
than you ever did
staining my sheets…

interesting prisons, these
rent slavery and bad love.
the double stairwells act
like torture echo chambers
mocking the silence
from the phone gone cold.
Ive put alot of spite
into this new stew
seasoned it with all the cash
and lust i could raise.
imagine my surprise
when i pulled back the lid
and realised just what
id been boiling down
all this time…..

( for Charlie B)
swaying she
manages what she considers
a parting shot as
she stumbles, falls
on her magnificent ass
two feet short of the door. 
“lets call the cops. See
what they have to say…”
I agree (those who know me
know how strange this is, situation
must be desperate, violent, or both), i say “i’d like to get
their take on all this.
what do you imagine theyll do?
believe your whining idiocy, hold
you trembling hand as
you bat your lashes
and employ your wiles? Please.
you smell like the lid
of a garbage can
you cant even stand up, and
you have a record.
those boys, those killers
in dark blue
they know a whore
more than most men, would
most likely beat you
just for kicks
and throw
your shit in the cooler
for the nite. Probably rape you
just for wasting their time. So, yes, please
call them. 
one pig
deserves another”.

right on cue, her record skips tracks

shes crawling back 
cooing and moaning, and
itll all be
blowjobs and ego massage
for the rest of the evening. Id kill
myself if i had the strength
but we never run out of cowards blood
down here in Inglewood

another nights worth
of mutual abuse
and the custard of ugly lust
at least as long
as the wine holds out.

wishing to see it
I make the scene 
with you. Im am ass
you look like french vanilla. You
want me to want this. You
misunderstand. I want only
you.
I cant
be civil when the weathers upon me

be decent when
its expected.

be anything but
what i am.

I am cod liver

naked bean

a given smile
turned sour in
the simplest insecurity…

I fuck it, of course
what else is there
to write about?

creation does not replace
real affection
or the scent that
sticks with me
when you exit.

in the air
i still pick up
hints of you..

the drugs
put me silent
to stop me
sensing your fragrance.

I want.

I want you.

This clumsy attempt
Says goodbye
when all i want
to do is tie up
the ends i frayed
when i left you.

I want you.

I would do anything
to hear you
speak my Christain name
in my ear
as i put myself
back inside you….

I know how this is supposed to go, Rabbit. She moves on. I move on. Check. 
But, no one tells you about the raw, dead nerves at the end of your fingers. Dead, where once you cradled her gorgeous face. No one tells you that you wont be able to cook anymore, or even look at a bath tub. ….ive not just lost the one great love of my life, without her, so much of my life is gone. Jesus God, living without the honor of her charge, the honor to care for her is just like no life at all. I can wake, sleep, fuck, stumble clever thru this idiot existance, but im not alive…not like i was when i looped my fingers and held her chubby belly….Jimmi B why cant i get over her? Those are the same songs on the radio, i havent lost a summer, a month not a day was spent sucking on the open pulling smoke because i put the word, the way and the drink in the front.
I put my skeleton on the block.
Why cant i just tell her
what i really mean, that these bones
here, that once kept you breathing
are yours.
Use them, to beat the mid summer hustle
and the quick-comer blues.
I make bad jokes as the last avenue
between where i am now and that soft, wrinkled
piece of time when your rings slid next to mine.

I know, now
that you think me
a cruel and heartless bastard.
I found my clothes
that you abandoned
on the tub side on
your way out the door
and out of my life. I crawled
inside them and
smacked with your scent
I went into a shivering fit, fell
upon that filthy tile floor
and wept.
youve got me wrong
you are too busy
being busy
or destroyed to know
I have more heart
and gentleness to give
then the next 10 men
you will move
inside, and thru you.

my hairs grown long
my face, old
i chain smoke Camels
in this shit hole apartment
and i wait.
Im waiting on a lady
who aint no friend.
whens shes late i know
the news is all bad
and ill be up
half the nite waiting.
when she finally calls
or stumbles thru the door
shell be
a total disaster
drunk, high
full of blathering 
and petty explanations.
if im lucky
ill keep her from driving
keep her voice down
keep her fumbling paws
away from me
managing just
to get her to crash.
then, no longer alone
I spend the rest
of the nite
smoking in the dark
to the rhythm of her
drunken snoring.
I know shes safe
and i know ive
got to get out, but
in the morning she
fucks her way
back into my
gentle affection
and it starts
all over again.
can this be
what ive spent
all these years
trying to get free for?
still, it beats onanism
and the sad release
sticky cum spent
upon the sock of lonliness…